Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
third nipple confirmed
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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