got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
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you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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