Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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