he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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