He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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