I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
