I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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