turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
