Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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