Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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