I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
