Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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