I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
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Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
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I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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