I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
