does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
