i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
