apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
