I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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