Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
