Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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