I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
there is puke in my bra ... again
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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