his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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