So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
