I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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