Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
my god I love twenty year old dicks
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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