Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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