My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
