Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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