Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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