I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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