my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
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