I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
