I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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