i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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