Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
