I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
