She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
