also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
