there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
