Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
