I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
