sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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