Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I am one with the molecules
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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