Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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