ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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