the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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