If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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