My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
