just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
