it wasn't lemon gatorade
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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