Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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