hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
