did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
