Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
