I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
