In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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