So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
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