I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
