Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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