Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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