dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
