Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
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